{"id":4987,"date":"2017-10-31T15:33:22","date_gmt":"2017-10-31T15:33:22","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.safehorizon.org\/?p=4987"},"modified":"2025-08-13T11:55:56","modified_gmt":"2025-08-13T15:55:56","slug":"stop-glamorizing-make-up-sex-abuse","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.safehorizon.org\/safe-horizon-in-the-news\/stop-glamorizing-make-up-sex-abuse\/","title":{"rendered":"Why We Should Stop Glamorizing Make-Up Sex"},"content":{"rendered":"

There are hundreds of stories on the internet about\u00a0why make-up sex is so great<\/a>,\u00a0how to have great make-up sex<\/a>, and even\u00a0why make-up sex is the best part of being in a relationship<\/a>. Certain fictional couples in romantic movies (like Jack and Allie in\u00a0The Notebook<\/em>) and TV shows (like Marnie and Desi in\u00a0Girls<\/em>) have also contributed to this idea that sex is a steamy and effective way to settle the day-to-day disagreements that occur in relationships. Sure, fiery or\u00a0emotional sex between two consenting individuals\u00a0can<\/em>\u00a0be hot<\/a>. But these glamorized depictions of make-up sex often leave out that using sex as a tool to manipulate a partner can be a dangerous, slippery slope.<\/p>\n

Oftentimes, when a couple has angry or make-up sex, there’s a dynamic of power and control. Someone might\u00a0use sex as a way to reconnect with their partner<\/a>\u00a0after they’ve done something controlling or abusive, explains\u00a0Rachel Goldsmith<\/a>, LCSW-R, associate vice president for the Domestic Violence Shelter Programs at\u00a0Safe Horizon. “It can be a way to kind of minimize the behavior that existed prior to that make-up sex, or minimize what had happened,<\/em>” she says. For example,\u00a0in the TV show\u00a0Big Little Lies<\/em><\/a>, Celeste (played by Nicole Kidman) and Perry (played by Alexander Skarsg\u00e5rd) often had sex after he had physically hit her or lashed out at her as a way to bring her back into his good graces.<\/p>\n

Of course, every relationship is dependent on the people in it, so not everyone who has make-up sex is necessarily in an abusive or unhealthy relationship, Goldsmith says. Ideally, sex should be a choice, and you should be comfortable with the dynamics of when you’re having sex and why you’re having it, she says. “[During make-up sex], we can miss whether or not the conflict has been resolved, and both people are really feeling ready and safe to be intimate,<\/em>” she says. And in some cases, if there’s an escalated incident of verbal attacks, that can lead to physical attacks, she says.<\/p>\n

Not sure if your own make-up sex habits are problematic? Think about your relationship dynamic, and what leads you to have make-up sex, Goldsmith suggests. “If there’s a lot of conflict, and there’s a lot of\u00a0control or abusive behavior<\/a>\u00a0that occurs prior to make-up sex, then make-up sex isn\u2019t necessarily such a positive thing,<\/em>” she says. If you brush off every conflict that ends in sex as just “make-up sex” or “angry sex,” then you might be missing crucial elements of your relationship that need to be addressed.<\/p>\n

If you feel like you and your partner tend to have explosive arguments that end in sex, and you feel safe and comfortable talking to them about it, consider bringing it up, Goldsmith says. For example, you could say, “Instead of reaching this place where we have to have make-up sex to have a connection, can we look at more ways to connect with each other in general?<\/em>” According to Goldsmith, “There are ways to have the same kind of connection and intimacy without having a big conflict beforehand.<\/em>” For some couples, this may be a matter of having a frank conversation about\u00a0what it is you like and dislike during sex<\/a>. Others may\u00a0benefit from seeing a couples therapist<\/a>\u00a0to discuss the kinds of emotions that tend to arise during sex.<\/p>\n

That said, if you do feel unsafe about your relationship situation or sex dynamics, it’s a good idea to go directly to a counselor or mental health professional on your own, rather than subjecting yourself to a conversation that could put you in harm’s way, Goldsmith says.<\/p>\n

All of this might seem like we’re making much ado about nothing \u2014 but it’s not “nothing” when your health and safety could be at risk. Ultimately, the pop culture portrayals of make-up sex aren’t always meant to be harmful, but they certainly don’t help. “When we glamorize it, and when we talk about how wonderful make-up sex is, then we’re not really paying attention to the patterns of behavior in the relationship, which may leave someone feeling unheard or unsafe,<\/em>” Goldsmith says.<\/p>\n

Read the original article here.<\/em><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Can make-up sex minimize controlling or abusive behavior? Safe Horizon’s Rachel Goldsmith explains how make-up sex habits can create abusive behavior patterns.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":13,"featured_media":{"id":9685,"alt_text":"Support children and families in domestic violence shelters","caption":"Peggy Duffy Memorial fund","description":"Support children and families in domestic violence shelters","media_type":"image","media_details":{"width":512,"height":512,"file":"2022\/07\/Safe-Horizon-Flower-Logo_TransparentThumbnail.png","filesize":31715,"sizes":{"medium":{"file":"Safe-Horizon-Flower-Logo_TransparentThumbnail-300x300.png","width":300,"height":300,"mime-type":"image\/png","filesize":18595,"source_url":"https:\/\/www.safehorizon.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/07\/Safe-Horizon-Flower-Logo_TransparentThumbnail-300x300.png"},"thumbnail":{"file":"Safe-Horizon-Flower-Logo_TransparentThumbnail-150x150.png","width":150,"height":150,"mime-type":"image\/png","filesize":8008,"source_url":"https:\/\/www.safehorizon.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/07\/Safe-Horizon-Flower-Logo_TransparentThumbnail-150x150.png"}},"image_meta":{"aperture":"0","credit":"","camera":"","caption":"","created_timestamp":"0","copyright":"","focal_length":"0","iso":"0","shutter_speed":"0","title":"","orientation":"0","keywords":[]}},"post":9684,"source_url":"https:\/\/www.safehorizon.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/07\/Safe-Horizon-Flower-Logo_TransparentThumbnail.png"},"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[72],"tags":[320,92,761],"class_list":["post-4987","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-safe-horizon-in-the-news","tag-domestic-abuse","tag-domestic-violence","tag-make-up-sex","issue-domestic-violence"],"acf":{"page_header_title":"","page_header_image":false,"original_url":"","related_initiative_title":"How do we help survivors of domestic violence?","related_initiative_link":"\/get-help\/domestic-violence\/","related_initiative_link_text":"Learn about our services","featured_posts":[{"ID":4486,"post_author":"13","post_date":"2017-05-23 19:45:02","post_date_gmt":"2017-05-23 19:45:02","post_content":"\n

Updated: March 2024<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

By Jennifer Koza<\/em>
May 23, 2017<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Survivors may experience many kinds of abuse. While physical abuse is frequently recognized, emotional abuse is also common but often less talked about<\/strong>. Emotional abuse can be used along with other tactics to exert power and control over survivors. According to a study<\/a> from The National Domestic Violence Hotline, based on their 2020 service data, 95% of contacts stated they were experiencing emotional abuse.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

To understand emotional abuse, we must first understand the difference between emotional abuse and conflict. <\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Emotional Abuse vs. Conflict<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

To understand emotional abuse, we need to understand the difference between emotional abuse and normal conflict.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Conflict<\/strong> is a normal part of any relationship and is a healthy way for two people to express emotions, identify an issue, and have a chance to talk through whatever issue is bothering them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Emotional abuse<\/strong> involves nonphysical behavior that belittles another person and can include insults, put down, verbal threats or other tactics that make the victim feel threatened, inferior, ashamed or degraded.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When is Conflict Actually Not Conflict, but Something More? When is it Emotional Abuse?<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Have you ever experienced the feeling of having a knot in your stomach when dealing with someone? Did something in your relationship just feel off? When someone feels scared, confused or like nothing they do will ever be right, this may be a sign of emotional abuse.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

What is Emotional Abuse?<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Emotional abuse is behavior from another person that makes you consistently feel badly about yourself, like you just can\u2019t be you. Emotional abuse is not limited to romantic partner, but can be perpetrated by a family member, friend or coworker. Emotional abuse can make you feel guilty, ashamed, silenced, violated, uncomfortable or many other things. Emotional abuse can be harder to identify since no one else can necessarily \u201csee\u201d its effects like they can a bruise, cut, or a scar.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Abusive behavior is often motivated by a desire for power and control but the reasons why that need exists varies. Maybe the person who hurt you didn\u2019t do so on purpose; maybe they did. While it\u2019s helpful to understand the \u201cwhy\u201d, the reasons are not an excuse for harmful behavior- but they can make everything more confusing. Emotional abuse is complicated and disorienting. Below are 5 common signs of emotional abuse:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

5 Signs of Emotional Abuse<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
    \n
  1. They are Hyper-Critical or Judgmental Towards You<\/strong>\n