{"id":5081,"date":"2017-12-05T21:48:47","date_gmt":"2017-12-05T21:48:47","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.safehorizon.org\/?p=5081"},"modified":"2023-10-28T18:35:17","modified_gmt":"2023-10-28T22:35:17","slug":"man-love-sexual-predator","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.safehorizon.org\/safe-horizon-in-the-news\/man-love-sexual-predator\/","title":{"rendered":"When A Man You Love Is A Sexual Predator"},"content":{"rendered":"

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HuffPost<\/em>
\nBy Angelina Chapin<\/em>
\nDecember 5, 2017<\/em><\/p>\n

Excerpt Below:<\/p>\n

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Last week on the \u201cToday\u201d show, Savannah Guthrie\u00a0shakily asked<\/a>,\u00a0\u201cHow do you reconcile your love for someone with the revelation that they have behaved badly?<\/em>\u201d hours after learning that her co-host, Matt Lauer, had been fired over allegations of sexual harassment.\u00a0Gayle King\u00a0asked\u00a0<\/span><\/a>a similar question after Charlie Rose, her former co-host from \u201cCBS This Morning\u201d was accused by eight women of sexual misconduct. Sarah Silverman said about\u00a0the allegations<\/span><\/a>\u00a0against comedian Louis C.K., \u201cCan you love someone who did bad things?<\/em>\u201d<\/p>\n

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Experts say it\u2019s common for an offender\u2019s loved ones to feel torn between love and disdain. \u201cIf your brother was accused of sexual assault or sexual abuse, how would you feel?<\/em>\u201d asked Brian Pacheco, the director of communications at Safe Horizon, a New York City-based organization that provides resources for victims of domestic and sexual violence. \u201cIt\u2019s really normal in the short term for people to be confused and go back and forth between, \u2018Oh they [are] a terrible person for doing this,\u2019 and, \u2018I want to continue the relationship.\u2019 It\u2019s important for people to sit with that and process. They don\u2019t have to make a decision right away.<\/em>\u201d<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Ultimately, Pacheco says, a person\u2019s emotions can change over time, a reality many psychologists and counselors would address in therapy. People might shift from feeling defensive of offenders to feeling anger and betrayal toward them. Frequently, a perpetrator\u2019s loved ones go through an intense period of mourning their relationship with the accused.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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\u201cWe really have to put the onus on the person who committed the act,<\/em>\u201d he said. \u201c[People] feel powerless that they couldn\u2019t step in and couldn\u2019t change what happened … but part of it is knowing that it wasn\u2019t your fault.<\/em>\u201d<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Members of the entertainment world described the sexual misconduct of prominent predators like Harvey Weinstein and Louis C.K.\u00a0as open industry secrets. But, often, offenders are very skilled at hiding their crimes.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Pacheco believes the process of reconciling your love for a person with your contempt for their behavior largely hinges on the offender\u2019s willingness to hold themselves accountable.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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\u201c[It] starts with an abuser saying, \u2018I did something wrong and [I] need to change my behavior,\u2019<\/em>\u201d he said. \u201cIt\u2019s hard to move forward if someone [is] not taking responsibility for their actions.<\/em>\u201d<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

Read the original article here.<\/em><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

How do you cope someone you love is also accused of sexual assault or sexual abuse? Safe Horizon’s Brian Pacheco explains the complexities.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":13,"featured_media":{"id":9685,"alt_text":"Support children and families in domestic violence shelters","caption":"Peggy Duffy Memorial fund","description":"Support children and families in domestic violence shelters","media_type":"image","media_details":{"width":512,"height":512,"file":"2022\/07\/Safe-Horizon-Flower-Logo_TransparentThumbnail.png","filesize":31715,"sizes":{"medium":{"file":"Safe-Horizon-Flower-Logo_TransparentThumbnail-300x300.png","width":300,"height":300,"mime-type":"image\/png","filesize":18595,"source_url":"https:\/\/www.safehorizon.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/07\/Safe-Horizon-Flower-Logo_TransparentThumbnail-300x300.png"},"thumbnail":{"file":"Safe-Horizon-Flower-Logo_TransparentThumbnail-150x150.png","width":150,"height":150,"mime-type":"image\/png","filesize":8008,"source_url":"https:\/\/www.safehorizon.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/07\/Safe-Horizon-Flower-Logo_TransparentThumbnail-150x150.png"}},"image_meta":{"aperture":"0","credit":"","camera":"","caption":"","created_timestamp":"0","copyright":"","focal_length":"0","iso":"0","shutter_speed":"0","title":"","orientation":"0","keywords":[]}},"post":9684,"source_url":"https:\/\/www.safehorizon.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/07\/Safe-Horizon-Flower-Logo_TransparentThumbnail.png"},"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[72],"tags":[103,105,711],"class_list":["post-5081","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-safe-horizon-in-the-news","tag-rape","tag-sexual-assault","tag-sexual-harassment","issue-rape-and-sexual-assault"],"acf":{"page_header_title":"","page_header_image":false,"original_url":"","related_initiative_title":"How do we help survivors of rape and sexual assault?","related_initiative_link":"\/get-help\/rape-and-sexual-assault","related_initiative_link_text":"Learn about our services","featured_posts":[{"ID":1369,"post_author":"12","post_date":"2016-05-26 00:00:00","post_date_gmt":"2016-05-26 00:00:00","post_content":"*Warning: This story contains details of a sexual assault that some readers may find disturbing<\/em>.<\/em>\r\n\r\n

\"Donna<\/center>\r\n

\u201cI will never forget the first thing that *Eri said to me when I sat down with her for my first counseling session, \u2018You are never alone and it is not your fault\u2019<\/strong><\/em>.\u201d<\/p>\r\nFor *Donna, those words came at a time when she needed to hear them most. Before meeting Eri, Donna was suffering recurring and traumatic memories of being sexually and physically assaulted around her office building and felt extremely alone.\r\n\r\nPeople respond very differently to trauma caused by sexual assault. Donna responded to the trauma by avoiding the overwhelming negative responses that flooded her thoughts. \u201cI first avoided going to a place like Safe Horizon because I did not want to talk about what I had experienced and how that horrible attack had affected me and affected my life.<\/em>\u201d\r\n\r\nNow Donna looks back and is grateful she came to Safe Horizon and met Eri. \u201cBefore Safe Horizon, I felt helpless and hopeless. Eri\u2019s words gave me a positive outlook for my future. I have something to look forward to every time we meet because I believe that she is not just a social worker, but someone who genuinely cared about me as a person.\u201d<\/em>\r\n\r\n

\"Safe<\/center> \r\n

Safe Horizon\u2019s Community Programs support, educate, and advocate for victims of crime and abuse including rape and sexual assault.<\/em><\/em>\r\n<\/em><\/p>\r\n\r\n

\u201cSomeone who Genuinely Cared about Me\u201d<\/h1>\r\nDonna met Eri at our Brooklyn Community Program. Serving all five boroughs of New York City, each warm and welcoming Community Program supports, educates, and advocates for all victims of crime and abuse, including rape and sexual assault. Since Donna found it difficult to open up, Eri reassured her that she would fully support her. \u201cEri provided me with tools, resources, and information that helped me cope with my recurring memories of that horrible experience.<\/em>\u201d\r\n\r\nAs Donna\u2019s story illustrates, recovering from a traumatic event takes time, and everyone heals at his or her own pace. Safe Horizon integrates trauma-informed techniques in working with individuals who encounter all types of crime and violence. Our staff utilize a variety of \u201cgrounding\u201d techniques that can be used for people who are dealing with feelings of reliving past trauma to remind them that they are in a safe place.\u00a0The techniques can help individuals cope with the emotional pain caused by something happening in the present that reminds them of the past traumatic event.\r\n\r\nEri guided Donna through a grounding technique to help Donna connect to her physical body and stay in the present moment. Donna says the technique was instrumental to her healing, \u201cexercises like grounding have changed my life and how I handle uncomfortable, anxious, or depressing situations.<\/em>\u201d\r\n\r\n
\"Social<\/center>\r\n

Social workers like Eri work at every Community Program, providing supportive counseling and advocacy services.<\/em><\/em><\/em><\/em><\/p>\r\n\r\n

From Victim to Victor<\/h1>\r\nDonna says she has re-claimed her positive outlook and is looking forward to moving on with her life. \u201cSince I started talking with Eri, I feel better about myself. I went back to living my life the way it was before I was attacked. I wake up in the morning and plan to do something special for myself every day.\"\r\n<\/em><\/em>\r\n\r\n* Client names and identifying information have been changed to protect their privacy. Images used are representations of Safe Horizon\u2019s clients<\/span>.<\/em>","post_title":"Donna\u2019s Story: You are Never Alone and it is Not Your Fault","post_excerpt":"After experiencing sexual assault, Donna suffered severe trauma reactions until she came to one of our Community Program and found help and support.","post_status":"publish","comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","post_password":"","post_name":"donnas-story-you-are-never-alone-and-it-is-not-your-fault","to_ping":"","pinged":"","post_modified":"2017-10-03 17:21:21","post_modified_gmt":"2017-10-03 17:21:21","post_content_filtered":"","post_parent":0,"guid":"http:\/\/safehorizon.dev\/uncategorized-en\/donnas-story-you-are-never-alone-and-it-is-not-your-fault\/","menu_order":0,"post_type":"post","post_mime_type":"","comment_count":"0","filter":"raw"},{"ID":9657,"post_author":"16","post_date":"2022-06-03 13:15:57","post_date_gmt":"2022-06-03 17:15:57","post_content":"\n

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