{"id":7154,"date":"2019-07-08T13:54:36","date_gmt":"2019-07-08T13:54:36","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.safehorizon.org\/?p=7154"},"modified":"2024-02-26T15:43:07","modified_gmt":"2024-02-26T20:43:07","slug":"what-big-little-lies-gets-right-about-abusive-relationships","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.safehorizon.org\/safe-horizon-in-the-news\/what-big-little-lies-gets-right-about-abusive-relationships\/","title":{"rendered":"What Big Little Lies Gets Right About Abusive Relationships"},"content":{"rendered":"

InStyle<\/em>
\nBy Kimberly Truong\u00a0<\/em>
\nJuly 8, 2019<\/em><\/p>\n

Content warning: This article contains mentions of domestic violence and sexual assault.<\/em><\/p>\n

Excerpt:<\/p>\n

At the start of the second season of\u00a0Big Little Lies<\/em>, Celeste Wright (Nicole Kidman) goes to see her therapist, Dr. Reisman (Robin Weigert). Not only is she grappling with her grief over the death of her husband, Perry\u00a0(Alexander Skarsg\u00e5rd),\u00a0she\u2019s working through the complicated feelings of loving and missing him, despite his physical and emotional abuse.<\/p>\n

For us, the viewers, it might even have been a relief to see Perry pushed to his demise at the end of Season 1 after he repeatedly attacked Celeste, but the reality of an abusive relationship is much more complicated.<\/p>\n

According to the\u00a0Centers for Disease Control and Prevention<\/a>, nearly 1 in 5 women and 1 in 7 men in the U.S. report having experienced severe physical violence from an intimate partner in their lifetime \u2014 and those experiences can vary greatly. But Tarsha McCallum, LMSW, senior director of shelters at\u00a0Safe Horizon, says it\u2019s common for survivors of abuse to still love and care for their abusers.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

\u201cIn an abusive relationship, the abuse usually doesn\u2019t happen every day…it might still be a loving relationship” – Tarsha McCallum explains how accurately Big Little Lies depicts the complexities of domestic violence.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":13,"featured_media":{"id":9685,"alt_text":"Support children and families in domestic violence shelters","caption":"Peggy Duffy Memorial fund","description":"Support children and families in domestic violence shelters","media_type":"image","media_details":{"width":512,"height":512,"file":"2022\/07\/Safe-Horizon-Flower-Logo_TransparentThumbnail.png","filesize":31715,"sizes":{"medium":{"file":"Safe-Horizon-Flower-Logo_TransparentThumbnail-300x300.png","width":300,"height":300,"mime-type":"image\/png","filesize":18595,"source_url":"https:\/\/www.safehorizon.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/07\/Safe-Horizon-Flower-Logo_TransparentThumbnail-300x300.png"},"thumbnail":{"file":"Safe-Horizon-Flower-Logo_TransparentThumbnail-150x150.png","width":150,"height":150,"mime-type":"image\/png","filesize":8008,"source_url":"https:\/\/www.safehorizon.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/07\/Safe-Horizon-Flower-Logo_TransparentThumbnail-150x150.png"}},"image_meta":{"aperture":"0","credit":"","camera":"","caption":"","created_timestamp":"0","copyright":"","focal_length":"0","iso":"0","shutter_speed":"0","title":"","orientation":"0","keywords":[]}},"post":9684,"source_url":"https:\/\/www.safehorizon.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/07\/Safe-Horizon-Flower-Logo_TransparentThumbnail.png"},"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[72],"tags":[687,1305,423,92],"class_list":["post-7154","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-safe-horizon-in-the-news","tag-abusive-relationship","tag-abusive-relationships","tag-big-little-lies","tag-domestic-violence","issue-domestic-violence"],"acf":{"page_header_title":"","page_header_excerpt":"","page_header_image":false,"custom_scripts":false,"show_author_bio":false,"original_url":"","related_initiative_title":"How do we help survivors of domestic violence?","related_initiative_link":"\/get-help\/domestic-violence\/","related_initiative_link_text":"Learn about our services","featured_posts":[{"ID":5283,"post_author":"13","post_date":"2018-01-24 16:40:16","post_date_gmt":"2018-01-24 16:40:16","post_content":"Safe Horizon quoted in \u201cLittle Things\u201d in January 2018<\/em>. Updated 2024.\u00a0<\/em>\r\n

\r\n
\r\n
\r\n\r\nThe\u00a0National Coalition Against Domestic Violence<\/a>\u00a0estimates that 20 people are abused by a domestic partner\u00a0every minute<\/em> in the United States. Just because\u00a0domestic violence<\/a> is prevalent doesn\u2019t mean that it\u2019s OK.\r\n\r\nA Safe Horizon expert, spoke with the publication Little Things in 2018 about some of the signs that might suggest someone you know is in an abusive relationship.\r\n\r\n<\/div>\r\n

1. Their Partner Doesn't Like It When She Spends Time with You\r\n2. They Started Dressing Drastically Different\r\n3. They Started Abruptly Canceling Plans\r\n4. They're Noticeably Unhappy More Often\r\n5. You're Uncomfortable with Their Partner\r\n6. They Has Frequent Cuts or Bruises\r\n7. Their Partner Often Uses Rough Language with Them\r\n8. They Put Their Partner Needs Before Their Own\r\n9. Their Partner Has a History of This Kind of Behavior\r\n10. They're Clearly Afraid to Admit There's a Problem<\/h2>\r\n
If you or anyone you know would like to speak to someone regarding rape or sexual assault, call our 24-hour anonymous hotline at 212-227-3000.<\/a><\/div>\r\n
<\/div>\r\n
\u2026Read the full and original article, including Safe Horizon mentions, here.<\/em><\/a><\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>","post_title":"10 Signs Your Friend Is In An Abusive Relationship And Might Need Your Help","post_excerpt":"Do you think that your friend is in an abusive relationship? Learn about these 10 signs of an abusive relationship and how you can help.","post_status":"publish","comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","post_password":"","post_name":"abusive-relationship-signs","to_ping":"","pinged":"","post_modified":"2024-04-12 11:52:05","post_modified_gmt":"2024-04-12 15:52:05","post_content_filtered":"","post_parent":0,"guid":"http:\/\/www.safehorizon.org\/?p=5283","menu_order":0,"post_type":"post","post_mime_type":"","comment_count":"0","filter":"raw"},{"ID":5567,"post_author":"13","post_date":"2018-04-13 18:37:16","post_date_gmt":"2018-04-13 18:37:16","post_content":"By Evy Yeager\r\nApril 13, 2018<\/em>\r\n\r\nFor those who have experienced violence or abuse, trauma is much more than just a buzzword. At Safe Horizon, it informs the way we approach all of our work with survivors. A trauma-informed framework involves understanding, recognizing, and responding to the effects of all types of trauma.\r\n\r\n\"\"\r\n\r\nTrauma can present ongoing challenges that make it difficult for survivors to access the services they need. Some service providers who don\u2019t use a trauma-informed lens may respond in ways that are not helpful, or simply disregard clients as \u201cdifficult.<\/em>\u201d For example, \u201cA client may refuse to meet with an advocate who identifies as male\u00a0because their abuser identified as male. At <\/em>first, it may seem that the client is not interested in accessing these services, but it is important to remind ourselves that there is a reason behind the client's refusal. For most, the reason is past trauma, which they may have not ever disclosed. Their traumas may become barriers to accessing services,<\/em>\u201d says Eddie Tirado, Coordinator of HIV Prevention at Streetwork Project\u2019s<\/a> Drop-In Center in Harlem for homeless youth.\r\n\r\nRecovering from assault or abuse is difficult for anyone, but it presents unique challenges for children. It\u2019s easy to label children as misbehaving if they act out, without digging deeper into what is influencing their behavior. \u201cA lot of children who have witnessed or experienced abuse may behave in a certain way that can be seen as bad. It\u2019s their way of coping with all that they\u2019ve been through,<\/em>\u201d says Jennifer Venturino, Childcare Supervisor at Rose House, one of our eight\u00a0domestic violence shelters<\/a>. \u201cThey may act out in certain ways if they feel uncomfortable if there are loud noises that trigger them. People think, \u2018He doesn\u2019t listen,\u2019 or \u2018She really misbehaves.\u2019 but that\u2019s not what\u2019s really going on.<\/em>\u201d\r\n\r\nWhat is a more helpful response? In our domestic violence shelters, children are in a safe environment, but it\u2019s also a new and unfamiliar one. \u201cWe try to make them feel as comfortable as possible.\"<\/em> Venturino continues. \u201cIf the activity isn\u2019t working for them for whatever reason, we ask, \u2018Is there something else you\u2019d rather do?\u2019<\/em>\u201d says Venturino. \u201cHaving a choice is helpful.<\/em>\u201d\r\n\r\nOffering choice is an important principle of a trauma-informed approach. Each individual, whether an adult or a child, has unique life experiences that influence the way they think, feel, and act. Everyone deserves to define for themselves what feels safe or comfortable.\r\n\r\nConsider common conversations about domestic violence. \"Why don\u2019t you just leave?<\/em>\u201d is a constant refrain, but it implies that there is a clear choice when that is rarely, if ever, the case. Domestic violence can take many different forms, all used to control someone: physical abuse, verbal abuse, emotional abuse, threats to physical or financial safety, and often sexual assault.\r\n\r\n\"\"\r\n\r\n\u201cSexual assault doesn\u2019t only happen with\u00a0strangers<\/em>,\u201d says Jillian Torres, Director of Safe Horizon's staff at the Manhattan Family Justice Center<\/a>. \u201cThis is something I learned when I was helping clients draft petitions for orders of protection. There were times they had to sleep with their abusers in order to keep them calm. That was an\u00a0\u2018Aha!\u2019 moment for me. Although they are in a relationship, this is a form of sexual assault.<\/em>\"\r\n\r\nIt\u2019s important to distinguish between true consent and a coerced \u201cyes.\u201d \u201cIf there\u2019s physical violence happening, coercion into sex can seem like the lesser evil,<\/em>\u201d Torres explains. \u201cThey might think, \u2018I don\u2019t want to do this, but getting hit is worse. I know that if I put up a fight it will be worse for me.'<\/em>\u201d\r\n\r\nSupporting survivors as they plan for their safety is another important aspect of looking through a trauma lens. Abuse and assault can affect all kinds of decisions survivors have to make, frequently out of self-preservation. It\u2019s important to respect their decisions while exploring all the options available. Survivors are experts in their own experience.\r\n\r\n\"Jordan\r\n\r\nAt Safe Horizon we train our advocates to offer options without judgment. \u201cPeople don\u2019t understand that it\u2019s really hard to come forward,<\/em>\u201d says Jordan Hall, Senior Case Manager, Brooklyn Criminal Court Program<\/a>. \u201cWe have to let survivors be ready when they want to be ready. Frequently we\u2019re [Safe Horizon advocates] the first people that they are disclosing to. When survivors have an opportunity to talk to an advocate who really <\/em>listens and lets them guide the conversation, often past [unaddressed] traumas can come up. It's hard when you see that they kind of blame themselves. 'I get myself into these situations all the time,\u2019 they'll say. I tell them, 'This is just something that happened to you. This isn\u2019t who you are.\u2019<\/em>\u201d\r\n\r\nTrauma doesn\u2019t have to be defining. Learning about trauma and the effects it can have can help survivors regain control of their life and move forward. Too often, survivors of abuse are left alone with their pain, often thinking their reactions mean that something is wrong with them, when in fact these reactions are completely normal and can be addressed. Using a trauma-informed approach to healing helps survivors feel validated and supported.\r\n\r\nAs a society, we need to acknowledge that all survivors deserve healing. We must offer authentic support, recognizing a survivor\u2019s right to name their own experiences, and accept their normal reactions to the hurt they\u2019ve experienced. No one should have to deal with trauma alone, and every survivor deserves access to trauma-informed care.\r\n

Safe Horizon offers trauma-informed support and other services for survivors of violence and abuse. To find out more about the help available to you, call our 24-hour hotline at 1-800-621-HOPE (4673)<\/a>.<\/h1>","post_title":"\"This Isn't Who You Are\": How Understanding Trauma Helps Us Understand Survivors","post_excerpt":"Trauma can make it difficult for survivors to access the services they need. 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